In my journey releasing the behaviour of people pleasing, I’ve realized how subtle many of its signs can be. These behaviours often feel like second nature, something you do without even realizing it. But for someone who hasn’t developed the habit of people pleasing, they might stand out as anything but natural.

Here are a few subtle behaviors to reflect on. Do any of them feel familiar? If they resonate, they may be linked to people-pleasing tendencies. For each one, I’ll share a starting point to help you address it. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from behaviors that no longer serve you.

1. Always letting others decide

When you're with others and a decision needs to be made - like where to eat or what to do - you usually have no preference and go along with what others want: “I don’t mind, what would you prefer?” And maybe you genuinely believe that you have no preference.
But is that true? 

Next time you find yourself in this situation, take a moment and ask yourself: “What would you have chosen if you were on your own?” This simple reflection can help you reconnect with your true preferences, even in situations where it feels like you have none. 

2. Feeling responsible for other’s emotions and over apologizing

Negative emotions in others make you uncomfortable and you feel like it’s your responsibility to fix them. Whenever someone complains or shows their negative emotions, you find yourself trying to find solutions for their problems - or worse: blaming yourself for how they feel. You might even find yourself apologizing for things that aren’t your responsibility, just to make the situation less uncomfortable for yourself. 

Next time you’re surrounded by someone with an emotion that makes you feel uncomfortable, listen to them and acknowledge how they feel. When you feel the urge to take over responsibility or apologize, try to resist and just be present with your own uncomfortability. 

3. Suppress own feelings to avoid conflict

You thrive on harmony. Conflict makes you so uneasy that you might suppress things that bother you - such as consistently doing more than your share at work or at home - because bringing it up feels like too big of a risk for conflict. You’re telling yourself reasons to justify the way it is and that you’re letting it go. But beneath the surface, did you actually let go? Resentment might build and will eventually leak into your energy and interactions, whether you intend it to or not.

Next time you feel this way, start by acknowledging what’s bothering you instead of pushing it aside. You don’t have to act on it right away, but begin by identifying the feelings you’re suppressing. You might say to yourself, “I feel frustrated that I’m doing more than my fair share”. Once you’ve identified the feeling, take a moment to reflect on why it bothers you and what you might need in order to feel more balanced. Just acknowledging the emotion is an important first step in breaking the habit of suppressing your feelings to avoid conflict.

4. Continuously seeking approval, even for small decisions

Even with small decisions, you feel the need to double-check with others to avoid making a mistake that others might not like. For example, if you’re organizing groceries for a party, instead of trusting your own judgment, you’ll find yourself checking with someone else: “Shall I get this brand? Do you think this is enough?” etc. 

If you recognize yourself in this behavior, start by trusting your own judgment in small decisions. When faced with a choice, pause and ask yourself, "What do I really think?" Try making the decision on your own without checking with others first. If you feel uncertain, remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that your choices are of equal value as anyone else’s. By taking small steps to rely on yourself, you’ll start to build confidence in your own decision-making.

5. Downplaying your achievements

You feel uncomfortable when receiving compliments or praise. Even after working hard for your accomplishments, you might quickly respond with, “Oh, it was nothing, anyone could have done it,” or shift the focus to how others contributed. You may feel uneasy with attention on yourself, worrying it could make others uncomfortable or seem arrogant.

But it’s not about arrogance. Accepting compliments graciously allows you to acknowledge your hard work and build confidence. So next time you receive a compliment, try resisting the urge to downplay it and simply say thank you.

Recognizing these subtle signs is the first step toward honoring your own needs and breaking free from people pleasing. Do any of these behaviors resonate with you? What small steps can you take today to start shifting these patterns and put your needs first?"